Better Facts. Better Information. Better Opinions.

Stop being bullheaded! It’s time to stop being stubborn, opinionated and refusing to listen to any opinion other than your own. Get educated. Get better facts, better Information and form better opinions by deconstructing your own personal biases!

DECONSTRUCTING

“Deconstructing” is the art of unlearning your pre-conceived biases and looking at a topic with a fresh and open mind.

“If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you do read it, you’re misinformed.”

– Often attributed to Mark Twain

Religion. Sex. Psychedelics.

If I had to summarize the three main themes that have dominated my entire life, that would be it. If I had to give you a fourth, it might be the paranormal. You’re certainly going to get a healthy dose of all of that and more in this blog, but especially thoughts on religion and sex. If you think those topics don’t belong together, I get it. Many of you can’t take my “opinions” about “God” or the Bible seriously if I admit to you that I have also been a life-long sex-addict (and no that doesn’t mean I pay for hookers and cheat on my wife). If you’re “stuck” in the mentality that using psychedelics is the same thing as “doing drugs” and therefore want no part of educating yourself or understanding the life-changing advances in the field of psychotherapy or how they can help in the treatment of depression, anxiety, and PTSD, then you can just skip reading those topics as well. In fact, this entire blog is separated into categories for you to pick and choose what topics you care to understand more about. Because human beings are complex and because I understand that for some of you, only one topic of the many I talk about is remotely interesting, I’ve tried to make it easier for you to filter out my random thoughts. Feel free to check out the various “Deconstructing” sub-pages below and subscribe only to the topics that most interest you and ignore the others. If, however, you’re interested in a little of everything like me, feel free to follow the Deconstructing Me category to get ALL my thoughts about undoing a lifetime of preconceived biases and bad information.

When I first started writing the blog you are reading now, it began as a private blog for just a small, select number of my friends who knew me personally. Some of them I had gone to church with, some of them I’d slept with, and even a couple of them I’d done psychedelics with. To make matters more complex, I had just finished a career working for a government contractor where I held a top-secret security clearance for over a decade. Some of the friends reading my private blog were STILL government contractors holding top-secret clearances of their own, and hearing me expose my darkest secrets, things that could get a person fired for admitting them, was probably a little unnerving.

In many ways, my blog reads a little like a book, with short ‘chapters’ that have a theme or a short story to tell, often ending on a cliff hanger of some sorts in hopes that you’ll want to hear more. At the time I began writing, I had no idea if my story would be interesting enough to one day share with a mass audience, and therefore, I had no idea I’d ever be turning it into a full-fledged memoir like the one you’re about to have now. And if I ever did, would my memoirs lead to any of my friends facing serious repercussions in their own careers and relationships? I certainly don’t intend to hurt anyone by telling MY story.

The problem I had with writing for my friends, however, was that I soon found I could not fully tell MY story without starting to tell the stories of others I knew who had confided in me THEIR deepest, darkest secrets. Unfortunately, if I ever wanted to FULLY explain how I became the man I am today, I simply could not ignore the lessons I learned from those around me, some of whom shared some of the most tragic and horrific stories one can imagine. I realized halfway through my memoir that I would have to stop writing for my personal friends, some of whom might become angry with me for retelling their dirty secrets, and that I would have to finish the book pseudonymously. This was the only way I could feel complete freedom to tell it all, down to the filthiest, grittiest, most brutally honest detail necessary to convey the true impact it had on my life.

Fortunately, I am pleased to say that after sharing a draft of my memoirs with a few complete strangers, I’ve been assured many times over that my story is indeed a fascinating and entertaining read that left many turning pages as if it were a well-written suspense novel. But none of this is fiction. Everything you read here is true, at least as much as my memories can be trusted. Memories can be funny things, and not everyone will remember them exactly as I do, but I assure you this is how I remember it. No lies, no bullshit, no embellishments.

And so, we may be strangers now, but by the end of this memoir, I assure you that you will know me better than some of you know your own so-called ‘best friend.’ In my writing, I don’t pull many punches, and you are going to hear things from me that most people don’t have the courage to admit to their closest friends and family, much less total strangers. But we will not remain strangers for very much longer, so let’s begin.

First off, there are two things you will come to know about me over the course of reading my memoir. One, I’m probably one of the filthiest, nastiest, dirty minded persons you have ever met. I mean I’m SERIOUSLY fucked in the head beyond anything you can probably imagine. Sure, all of us have sexual thoughts and fantasies but chances are that MINE are far beyond anything you’ve ever considered. If you find that’s not true and that your fantasies are even more messed up than mine, well, we should probably be friends. In any case, if hearing about my troubled sexual past and how those events related to or even created perverse sexual fantasies already kind of freaks you out, chances are this memoir is probably not for you. Not only do I have horrendously filthy thoughts, an EXTREMELY vivid and active sexual fantasy life but I have real-life experiences with shit that might curl your hair. I’ve also written and published erotica online (though the stuff I publish for the public has to be tame for obvious reasons) and I’ve been active in kinky erotic communities online for decades. I LOVE kink and fantasy and can’t get enough of it. My memoir would be remiss without discussing it at length, and so we shall.

Secondly, I may be one of the most spiritually minded and biblically knowledgeable individuals you have encountered. I have traditionally been a devoted student of the ‘Western’ Bible and possess a deep understanding of its doctrines, often surpassing that of many Christian theologians. In fact, when discussing doctrines with a Christian, I am usually confident in my ability to defend THIER positions and beliefs better than they can. I am self-taught in the basics of Greek and Hebrew (as well as derivatives like Koine-Greek and Aramaic) to the extent that I can parse out the meaning of a verse nearly as effectively as a Doctor of Theology, and certainly far better than the average person. Oh, and as an aside, I personally believe that if understanding Greek and Hebrew at a doctoral level is necessary to discern the truth, then there may be SERIOUS issues with it being considered a ‘salvation’ matter, but that’s a topic for another discussion. I have engaged in considerable doctrinal debates with Adventists, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Catholics, Baptists, Evangelicals, and others. I have read doctoral-level books on theology and have written numerous doctrinal papers to challenge common misconceptions about biblical teachings. Some of those papers I’ll be sharing with you here. My lifelong obsession with seeking truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may be, has led me to some profoundly challenging discoveries in the realm of religion and spirituality.

When I had a spiritual awakening back in 2017 (largely due to the paranormal and psychedelics), I suddenly came to understand Eastern philosophy from an experiential standpoint. In other words, I no longer had to READ about God in the ‘Western’ Bible because I had actually MET God and experienced God firsthand (or at least I believe what I experienced is what the ‘mystics’ called ‘God’). Overnight, my eyes were opened, and I started to remember things about the nature of reality that I had simply ‘forgotten.’ I’ll share those insights with you as well.

Which brings me to, perhaps, the third thing related to the two mentioned above. I have likely developed what you might call a form of psychosis because I now ‘remember’ things that you would likely say I cannot ‘remember,’ such as recalling when I first arrived in this physical reality and became trapped here. Psychedelics aided in that ‘remembering.’ To clarify, I’ll reveal that I’m trapped here because of my first two issues (sex and religion). I recall coming here to experience this physical ‘reality’ and the so-called ‘lusts of the flesh,’ as well as to discover ‘God.’ This ‘remembering’ is difficult to explain and, as I mentioned, might lead you to think I’m a little bit eccentric, if not delusional.

In a way, all the above has made my life at times extremely depressing because a part of me so deeply desires to connect with others about these experiences, and yet I can only hope to share these things in a blog with total strangers, most of whom I will never hear from personally. Unfortunately, sex and religion are just topics most people would prefer to either keep in the bedroom or avoid discussing publicly. And so, in the pages of this memoir, I write to you as if you were my best friend, someone to whom I can confide all my darkest secrets, even if you didn’t want to know me THAT well.

As a final thought, I believe that many people perceive it as an either-or situation: you can EITHER be religious/spiritual OR you can be perverted. In other words, one can’t truly KNOW God or understand a lot about the Bible while simultaneously being a pervert. Many hold the belief that someone who truly ‘knows’ God wouldn’t have perverse sexual fantasies. I find that notion exceptionally amusing. Apparently, the people who think this way haven’t met God. Okay, that last part wasn’t fair. I’m just trying to make a point. The fact is, a person can be very spiritual AND be a pervert. I’m living proof. One doesn’t have to have anything to do with the other (although they can, for sure). So, this is me, or the story of me. I’m intending to share it with anyone who is interested in what fucked up sexual and religious events happened to me and lead me to become the messed-up monkey you see today and my thoughts about why I’m trapped here in the material plane along with the rest of you. I’d love to have deep discussions with you about it and have you share secrets of your own, but I won’t expect that. So, in many ways, this is just for me with a small outside hope that someone might talk to me about my history and share their own perspective (and better yet problems) with me. I hope you’ll follow along and share some of your stories with me.